How to communicate with parents who, due to age, have become too intrusive

How to communicate with parents who have become too clingy with age? We offer six effective strategies that will help you maintain your relationship and not lose yourself in the process.

Recently, the publishing house "MYTH" published a book by psychologist Nina Brown called "Family Poison. How to Cope with Parental Toxicity." This publication is intended for adult children who want to establish healthy relationships with their aging parents and get rid of feelings of guilt. With the permission of the publisher, we share an excerpt from the sixth chapter, which discusses ways to interact with clingy relatives and reactions to their egocentric behavior.

So, how to communicate with obsessive parents - further in our article.

Aging and clinginess

Perhaps your parent has always been clingy, but with age, their worries about aging only intensified this behavior. To see if your parent's behavior has become more obsessive, complete the following exercise.

Obsessive Behavior Scale

You will need a piece of paper and a pen or pencil for this.

Process: Find a quiet place where you will not be disturbed. On a piece of paper, write down the numbers 1 through 8 that correspond to the descriptions below. Rate how much the frequency and intensity of your parent's behavior has changed over the past few years:

1 - neither the frequency nor the intensity has increased;
2 - the intensity has increased but not the frequency;
3 - both the intensity and the frequency have increased;
4 - both the intensity and the frequency have increased significantly;
5 - very bright, both intensity and frequency have increased significantly.

1. Constantly attracts attention - yours and others.
2. Complains about little things and serious problems.
3. Whining often.
4. Tries to stay young, for example, often goes to cosmetic procedures.
5. Exaggerates his ailments and physical problems.
6. Reduces all conversations to his suffering.
7. Always or almost always wants something from you, but does not say it openly. Insists on daily or almost daily communication.

Calculating the result: Add up the points for items 1-8 and write down the total. If the total is 30 or more, it indicates that your parent has become more intrusive and the situation is likely to get worse.

While some of your parent's complaints may be valid, you would like them not to require so much attention and effort from you. You may feel trapped, irritated, ashamed, and guilty all at once. Even if you have set boundaries in your communication and care for your parent, these restrictions may cause you negative emotions. Your parent will likely use these feelings to manipulate you and get their way. You should not expect the situation to change. Even if they say they understand the unreasonableness of their demands, this understanding may be superficial and serve only to manipulate.

Sometimes it seems that you are stuck in a hopeless situation and will forever drown in this swamp. However, it is important to think about what you can do to reduce the negative influence of the parent and preserve your personality and self-esteem.

It is worth noting right away that arguing and conflicting with the parent is not recommended. You may want to express all your thoughts about his endless complaints and demands, but this approach will most likely be perceived as criticism or open confrontation. In reality, you are simply trying to convey to him how his behavior affects you. But, unfortunately, this is unlikely to lead to a positive result. Your parent may perceive your dissatisfaction as:

• criticism of his personality;
• pointing out his mistakes;
• indifference to his suffering;
• an attempt to avoid your responsibilities to him;
• ignoring his feelings;
• selfishness on your part;
• ungratefulness for everything he has done for you.

Even if these thoughts are not true, your parent will believe them to be true, and it will be extremely difficult to change his perception. By accepting the fact that your requests will not be understood as you hoped, you can find other ways to cope with your parent's obsessive behavior and attitudes. This can open up new horizons for communication and help you maintain your emotional stability.

Helpful Strategies for Dealing with an Intrusive Parent

If you are dealing with an intrusive parent, here are some tips to help you develop appropriate strategies that take into account your unique situation and your parent's personality:

• Comfort him.
• Acknowledge his suffering and praise his resilience during difficult times.
• Try to distract him if the complaints linger.
• Listen carefully, but do not try to solve his problems.
• Avoid commenting on his appearance or mood.
• Do not ignore or invalidate his concerns.

Now let's look at each of these strategies in more detail.

Comfort

When a parent is experiencing strong emotions or is upset, comfort can be an important tool. It helps to support him, calm him, and ease his worries. You can remind him of resources that can help him cope with his problems. However, it is important to remember that it is not only the words that matter, but also the way you say them.

• Try not to give in to their emotions.
• Identify exactly what the parent is feeling, rather than focusing on the reasons for their worries.
• Before you respond, take a deep breath to calm down.
• Speak quietly and measuredly, looking at their eye area, but not directly into their eyes, to avoid transferring their emotions to yourself.

Here are some phrases that are best avoided, even if they seem appropriate:

• “Calm down.” This can only cause irritation.
• “It’s not as bad as you think.” These words invalidate their feelings and do not take them seriously. Even if you are right, your parent will not be able to see the situation from your perspective at the moment.
• “It could be worse.” While this may be true, you are not being empathetic to their concerns.
• “It will get better.” You cannot guarantee this, and these words ignore their current feelings.

These phrases often sound like standard responses that do not validate the parent’s feelings and may only make them feel worse. It is best to be empathetic and understanding in order to support them during this difficult time.

Agreement

Even if you do not share your self-centered parent’s perspective, sometimes the most effective response to their complaints is simply agreeing. You may not believe that their life is unfair or that they are truly suffering the way they say they are. However, sometimes there is no way to change the situation. For example, aging is a natural process, and although it cannot be stopped, many continue to complain about it.

These complaints can be irritating to others, especially if they come from parents who demand that you somehow alleviate their suffering. This can lead to feelings of guilt and shame when you realize that you cannot help.

Using the strategy of agreement, you acknowledge reality as your parent sees it, even if you have a different opinion. You can simply agree with their point of view, allowing them to speak out, while realizing that you cannot change the situation. Here are some phrases that can help express consent without obligation:

• “Yes, this is really awful!”
• “I’m so sorry to hear that you’re suffering.”
• “When is this going to get resolved?”

Try to come up with your own consent options, but avoid the following approaches:

• Pointing out the reality of the situation.
• Hinting at the irrationality or illogicality of their complaints.
• Providing advice on how the parent could handle the problem themselves.
• Recommending a more positive outlook on the situation.
• Questions on how you can help.

Any of these responses can be irritating, as they will perceived as a hint that the parent is wrong or incompetent. In addition, if you ask how to help, they may ask you to do something that you really don’t want to do.

Distraction

Distraction can be a very effective tool if used wisely. However, it is important to remember that using this strategy too often or choosing the wrong moment can reduce its effectiveness. The main purpose of distraction is to interrupt the flow of complaints and negative emotions.

Before trying to distract a parent, give them the opportunity to express their feelings and problems. If you interrupt them too early, they may feel that they are not being listened to, and this will only make the situation worse. Your goal is to prevent conflict, since it rarely leads to positive results.

When you use the distraction strategy, you help the parent switch from negative emotions to more constructive thinking. Here are a few steps that can help in this process:

1. Acknowledge their feelings. First, acknowledge that the parent is genuinely suffering and facing difficulties, whatever they may be. This is important to build trust.
2. Avoid giving advice. Don't offer alternative solutions or ask questions about the situation. This can irritate them and make them feel like you don't understand them.
3. Emphasize their resilience. After validating their feelings, acknowledge how they cope with difficulties. This will help them feel supported.
4. Ask questions. Ask about their experiences, but not too much so that you don't dwell on the negative. Gradually move on to deeper questions that require reflection.
5. Change the topic. Try to smoothly change the topic to another topic to distract them from negative thoughts.

For example, if a parent complains about an illness, first agree that it does interfere with their usual lifestyle. Then ask how the illness has affected their plans, such as joining a club, and inquire about their hobbies.

Listen, but don't try to solve problems

It's hard to resist the urge to offer a solution, especially if you're sure you know how to help. But chances are you've already offered your ideas, and the parent has ignored or criticized them. This is a good reason to refrain from giving new advice.

Also, don't tell your parent how you've dealt with similar problems or share stories from other people. While your intentions may be good, it's unlikely to help and will likely only irritate them. The parent may be too focused on their own experiences to notice that you've had your own struggles.

Listening is more than just hearing. Here are some principles to help you become a better listener:

• Stop talking.
• Pay attention to the parent, but don't look them in the eye.
• Don't interrupt or finish their thoughts.
• Listen carefully to their words and experiences.
• Respond at appropriate times, reflecting back on their words, but don't try to interpret their feelings.
• Ask follow-up questions, but limit yourself to one or two per conversation.
• Just listen.

Sometimes it can be hard not to try to solve a problem, especially if you believe your advice will help. But if the situation is not critical, it is better to just be there and listen.

Don't comment on your parent's appearance

Try to avoid any comments about your parent's appearance, even if they seem positive. Aging brings with it many changes that can be painful to perceive. An egocentric parent may be aware of how he or she has changed, but focusing on this is not the best idea, even if you want to give a compliment.

Reminders of aging can cause negative emotions in them, and, as a result, they can take out their dissatisfaction on you.

Sometimes egocentrism makes parents strive to look younger, and they can do everything possible to return to their previous appearance. This can manifest itself in their clothes and style. No matter how you feel about their choices, it is better not to express either approval or disapproval. Even the most innocuous words can be perceived as criticism.

Avoid phrases like, “That color looks great on you,” or “That sweater you have on.” Don't mention your parent's weight gain or loss, new hearing aids, or other devices that should remain unnoticed. Don't comment on their hair color, hairstyle, old-fashioned or overly youthful clothing, or any changes in their appearance that might make them uncomfortable.

Don't minimize their concerns

A self-centered parent often has a lot of worries and concerns about health, finances, appearance, and relationships, and they don't hesitate to share them with you. You may be tired of hearing the same stories and feel helpless to change the situation or live up to their expectations. It is important to remember a few things:

• No one can fully satisfy the demands of a self-centered parent.
• As soon as you solve one problem, another one will take its place, and so on ad infinitum.
• The parent does not realize how their behavior affects others, especially you.
• They may feel a deep sense of helplessness and fear, but they do not allow themselves to acknowledge it.

You should not discount or ignore the parent's concerns when they share them with you. You are not obligated to agree with their opinion of the situation or try to fix it.

Interestingly, self-centered people often do not consider the possibility of a positive outcome, as this would relieve them of suffering and draw less attention to their experiences.

At the same time, you should not encourage your parent to constantly discuss their experiences. Although their feelings may be valid, if they are exaggerated or used to manipulate you, it is better to avoid comments that can be perceived as underestimating their problems.

Effective Actions

Here are some useful steps that can improve your relationship with your parent.

1. Show empathy, but do not immerse yourself in their emotions. Try to stay a little removed from the parent's suffering and negative experiences. This does not mean that you should be indifferent; just try to understand their feelings, as you would with anyone else.
2. Be polite and courteous. Treat your parent as if they were a guest in your home. This will help create a more comfortable atmosphere for communication.
3. Be patient. Remember that your parent may have serious problems, such as undiagnosed dementia, that are affecting their behavior. However, you should not treat them like a small child; it is important to remain respectful.
4. Be clear about your requests. When you need something from your parent, speak clearly and confidently, avoiding unnecessary explanations if they are not necessary.
5. Be positive. Before you start the conversation, try to create a positive mood in yourself. This will help you to perceive the communication more easily.

You have probably already come up with your own strategies that will help you not to get upset when communicating with an intrusive parent and not to feel guilty for not being able to make him completely happy. Perhaps you have your own methods of controlling your emotions.

The strategies suggested in this chapter are intended to inspire you to change your behavior, taking into account the characteristics of your parent and your personal qualities. Some tips may be useful as is, others will require adaptation, and some may not be suitable for your particular case or may even make the situation worse. As you review the list of strategies, evaluate their applicability to you, think about what could be improved, and create your own approaches.

The book «Family Poison» is dedicated to the relationships between adult children and parents, whose behavior is influenced by age. The author will help you understand the different types of self-centered relatives and tell you how to adapt to each of them. In addition, you will learn how to set boundaries and take care of loved ones without forgetting about your own life.

Hi all! In this blog we post useful information on the topic how to communicate with obsessive parents. If you have questions or ideas that we did not cover in our article, write about it in the comments.

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