What is the "bird test" in relationships and how to interpret its results correctly? This is an original way to check how things are going in a couple, but you need to use it with caution.
So, what is a bird test in a relationship - further in our article.
What is the "bird test"
Imagine that you are looking out the window and notice a bird sitting on a tree. You enthusiastically point it out to your partner. How will he react? Will he laugh with you at the nimble sparrow? Will he simply nod in response? Or, perhaps, will he ask you not to distract him from more important matters? This is the essence of the "bird test" - a popular TikTok trend that, while not to be taken too seriously, may have some important implications.
This test is based on the concept of "bets" proposed by renowned psychologist John Gottman. A "bet" is an attempt to establish an emotional connection, such as an invitation to pay attention to something or join in on an interest. The partner can accept, ignore, or reject this "bet". Despite its simplicity, such a "bet" is an important signal that there is a connection in the relationship. Research shows that couples who are more likely to notice and accept such "bets" are ultimately happier.
The "Bird Test" This is a clear example of how Gottman's ideas work in real life and how important it is to respond to the "stakes". It's a simple illustration of how success in a relationship often depends on the little things that create emotional intimacy.
We all strive for partners who are emotionally open and involved in the relationship. We need people who are ready to respond to our requests for support and understanding, even if they seem insignificant.
Is it worth doing the "test"?
John Gottman himself supported the idea of the "bird test", and a video of his reaction was published on the Gottman Institute's TikTok. This may be related to his other theory about the ratio of negative to positive interactions in a couple. According to its essence, for every negative interaction there should be an average of five positive ones for the relationship to have a chance of happiness. If a couple has a ratio of 2:3, this is a signal to work on yourself, and at 1:1, the relationship may be on the verge of breaking up.
In the context of the "bird test", a positive reaction would be considered the partner's response to your "bet", and a negative reaction would be ignoring or distancing. To build strong and healthy relationships, it is important to create moments of understanding and support so that the balance tilts towards empathy and appreciation, rather than criticism and neglect.
Using the "bird test" can help you understand how your partners react to attempts to establish an emotional connection. If you notice that they often ignore such moments, this may be a signal that they need to pay more attention to each other's interests and emotions. Start by discussing your emotional needs and how best to support each other.
In addition to the "bird test", there are other ways to establish an emotional connection. For example, you can create "love maps" by exploring your partner's inner world, or use "bonding rituals" by doing everyday things together, which will also strengthen your relationship.
Why the "bird test" can be dangerous
It is important to remember that the "bird test" is just one way to check your emotional connection, and its results should not be taken as a final verdict on the state of your relationship. This test cannot cover the full depth and complexity of the interaction between partners.
"Bet" - this is the moment when we can show attention, understanding and empathy to our partner. However, such a short test is not able to reflect the whole essence of your relationship. Moreover, such a superficial check can lead to misunderstandings and put your partner in an unfavorable light. Do not forget that their reaction can be influenced by many factors that are not always obvious. Perhaps they are experiencing stress at work, experiencing physical discomfort, or facing financial difficulties.
Therefore, it is important to consider the results of the "bird test" in a broader context. Pay attention to how your partner reacts to the "bets" in different situations and at different times. If you want them to show more interest and involvement in your relationship, it is best to openly discuss this with them. Explain how exactly they can show their interest and support. This approach will help strengthen your connection and create a deeper understanding of each other.
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How the Bird Test works:
Imagine that one partner (A) notices an interesting bird outside the window and says to the other partner (B): Oh, look! What a beautiful bird!
At this point, Partner B can respond in one of four ways:
• Turning Toward: Partner B shows interest, asks questions, looks at the bird with Partner A, compliments the bird, or simply shows appreciation for Partner A sharing their observation. This is a positive response.
• Turning Away: Partner B ignores the comment, continues doing what they're doing, interrupts, or changes the subject. This is a negative response.
• Turning Against: Partner B responds with hostility, sarcasm, or disdain. For example: Who cares about your birds? I have more important things to do here! This is a very negative response.
• Ambivalent: Partner B responds ambiguously, such as looking at the bird but grumbling that it's getting in the way of their work. This is a neutral or slightly negative response.
Gottman found that in stable, happy relationships, partners turn toward each other about 86% of the time. In relationships that were doomed to fail, the rate was only 33%.